無聊的媽媽會和新生兒做這些事
Having a new baby at home is great! It's magical! It's like nothing you've ever experienced before! It's also really, really boring. If you've even been through a long day at home alone with your little one, you know it can sometimes feel like an endless stretch of nothingness broken up by diaper changes. And you've probably at least done a few of these things to help pass the time.
家裏有個新生兒是件很棒的事情！特別神奇！這種體會是你以前沒有經歷過的！但也非常非常無聊。如果你也和自己的小寶寶單獨在家度過漫長一天的話，那你就會知道：有時候，那感覺就像是無窮無盡的虛空突然被換尿布打破了一樣。也許你至少會做以下的一些事情來消磨時光。1. Read the baby every children's book you have, even though the baby seriously couldn't care less.
1. 給寶寶讀家裏的每一本童話故事，儘管寶寶一點兒都不在乎。Some parenting book somewhere said you're supposed to start reading to kids the second they're born (that is, if you didn't start before they were born) and you've got 10 hours to kill. Why not read Moo Baa La La La a hundred times to the baby? Who cares if your baby can barely hold her head up, much less comprehend a story. You've got barnyard animal voices to perfect, goddamnit!
有些育兒書上寫道：自寶寶出生的那天起，你就應該給他/她讀故事了（也就是說，前提是你沒有在他/她出生前就開始讀故事），之後，你還有10個小時的時光需要消磨。爲什麼不給寶寶讀Moo Baa La La La很多次呢？如果你的寶寶連頭都還擡不起來，誰又在乎一個故事講了多少遍呢，畢竟他/她也不能理解故事啊。你模仿農場動物的聲音真是越來越像了，我的天！
2. Put the baby in the swing.
2. 把寶寶放在鞦韆上。Take the baby out of the swing. Put the baby in the bouncy chair. Take the baby out of the bouncy chair. Put the baby on the activity mat. Take the baby off the activity mat. Now repeat this 72 more times throughout the day. Bonus points if you don't throw out your back.
把寶寶從鞦韆上抱起來，然後把他/她放在彈椅上。把寶寶從彈椅上抱出來，然後把他/她放在瑜伽墊上，再把寶寶從瑜伽墊上抱起。現在，這一整天你都重複這組動作72次，如果你的腰不疼我就給你加分！3. Pack up the diaper bag, strap the baby in the carrier, walk out of the house, smell a poop, walk back into the house, and completely give up on the idea of ever leaving the house again.
3. 整理尿布袋，把寶寶放在推車裏，然後走出家門，聞到寶寶拉臭臭的味道，又再次回家。之後就完全放棄再次出門的念頭。
The first rule of Leaving The House With A Baby is that You Don't Leave The House With A Baby. The second rule of Leaving The House With A Baby is that It Eventually Gets Easier. The third rule? Have A Congratulatory Glass Of Wine The Second You Make It Out The Door.
和寶寶一起出門的首條法則就是你不能和寶寶一起出門。和寶寶一起出門的第二條法則就是最終一切都會變得容易些。第三條法則？順利出門的那一瞬間喝杯酒慶祝慶祝。4. Stand in front of the full-length mirror holding the baby while saying, "Look who it is!" in an abnormally high-pitched voice.
4. 抱着寶寶站在全身鏡面前用異常尖細的高音說，"看看那是誰呀！"You were an alto when you sang in your high school chorus, but somehow you are now able to raise your voice 17 octaves when conversing with your baby in front of a mirror.
當你在高中合唱團唱歌時，你唱的是中音，但現在不知何故，當你在鏡子前與寶寶交流時，你竟然能提高到17個八度。
