30則英語經典幽默故事（一）
下面是本站小編整理的30則英語經典幽默故事，希望大家喜歡!
經典英語幽默故事1.
During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire.. No matter what happened on the field, she continually yelled, “Kill the umpire!” This went on for an hour. “Lady,” another fan called out, “ the umpire hasn’t done anything wrong.”
“He’s my husband,” she replied, “ Last night he came home with lipstick on his collar. Kill the umpire!”
經典英語幽默故事2.
Frank, a friend of mine, often entertained clients at a local eatery, but he could never remember the name of the hostess, who always treated him wonderfully. One day, exasperated by his horrible recall, she said, “My name is Janet, and I’m from another planet,” hoping the mnemonics device would help him retain the information.
The next time Frank went to the restaurant, he walked up to the hostess and told his guest, “ I want to introduce you to my friend Venus.”
經典英語幽默故事3.
At midnight, a judge was waken up, arrested and put into jail by a policeman. The next day, the head of the police head-quarters met with “ the prisoner”, set him free at once.
It turned out that the judge wrote his own name when he signed the arresting list.
經典英語幽默故事4.
Suffering from students’ treading on the grassland, a wooden sign is set up beside it. It reads: “ Love the grass. No road No walking.”
Several days later, the wooden sign disappeared without trace, another one replaced it, which reads: “There’s originally no road in the world, and a road is being formed with more and more people walking.”
經典英語幽默故事5.
As new students at a university in Boston, many of us were unfamiliar with the campus and consequently late for class. One professor, however, was particularly intolerant of tardiness, making it clear that no excuse would be acceptable. So when a student stumbled into his class one morning late, we expected the worst.
Obvious upset, the professor demanded the reason for the student’s tardiness. “ I was waiting on line to buy your new textbook, “ she replied nervously. Gazing out at the rest of the class, the professor asked, “Well, why weren’t the rest of you late?”
經典英語幽默故事6.
A tourist was visiting New Mexico and was amazed at the dinosaur bones lying about.
“ How old are these bones?” the tourist asked an elderly native American, who served as a guide.
“Exactly one hundred million and three years old.”
“ How can you be so sure?” inquired the tourist.
“ Well,” replied the guide, “ a geologist came by here and told me these bones were one hundred million years old, and that was exactly three years ago.
經典英語幽默故事7.
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn in the road. The farmer who lived nearby came to investigate. “ Hey, Willis, “ he called out, “ forget your trouble for a spell and come on in and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.”
“ That’s mighty nice of you, “ Willis answered, “ but I don’t think Pa would like me to. “
“ Aw, come on , son!” the farmer insisted.
“ Well. Okay,” the boy finally agreed. “ But Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host, “ I feel a lot better now, but I just know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“ Don’t be foolish!” exclaimed the neighbor, “ By the way, where is he?”
“ Under the wagon.”
經典英語幽默故事8.
While coaching a group of five-and six-year-olds, learning to play soccer, I asked the kids what they should do when the referee blows his whistle. One boy, John answered, “ Stop and listen.” From the stands John’s mother yelled, “ Where can I get one of those whistles?”
經典英語幽默故事9.
My roommate was trying to convince her father she needed a sweat suit for jogging around campus. “ Why can’t you just run in your other clothes?” her father reasoned.
“ You have to run in a sweat suit, “ she explained, “ otherwise no one knows you’re exercising---they just think you’re late!”
經典英語幽默故事10.
A student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: “ Mom-flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop.”
Two days later he received a response: “ Pop prepared. Prepare yourself.”
經典英語幽默故事11.
“ I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class, “ observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses. “ when I say, ‘ Good morning,’ the undergraduates respond, ‘ Good morning,’ but the graduate students just write it down.
經典英語幽默故事12.
The philosophy finals in a college had many blank pages for the answer to one question: What is courage? Most of us wrote frantically, giving examples on theories. But one of my classmates turned in his essay with just two words on it –THIS IS. He received an A.
經典英語幽默故事13.
At the formal Sunday lunch at a university, the host at each table receives the food, passes it to the right and then serves himself last. One host soon found that a way to ensure that he received the biggest piece of dessert. Before passing the tray he would stick his finger in the piece he wanted and said, “ this one’s mine.”
One day the students ganged up on him. As the dessert tray was passed around with the host’s finger mark in the piece of cake he desired, each student said, “ This one’s his,” and stuck another finger in it.
經典英語幽默故事14.
He used to sit on the front door step and whistle at every young woman that went by. “ Why do you let him get away with that? “ asked the woman next door.
“ It’s no problem, “ said his wife. “ I’ve seen dogs chase cars, but they can’t drive. “
經典英語幽默故事15.
Chemistry teacher:” Robinson, give me the name of a liquid that won’t freeze.”
R: “ Hot water, sir.”
經典英語幽默故事16.
A: What is the longest night of the year?
B: A fortnight.
經典英語幽默故事17.
A: What is a net?
B: Holes tied together with string.
經典英語幽默故事18.
A: Why does the conductor put a hole in your railway ticket?
B: To let you pass through.
經典英語幽默故事19.
A little boy was saying his go-to-bed prayers in a very low voice.
“ I can’t hear you, dear,” his mother said.
“ Wasn’t talking to you. “ said the small one.
經典英語幽默故事20.
An insurance agent talking to a prospective client at her home pointed to an exquisite vase on the mantel. “ Do you keep anything in it?” he asked.
“ Yes, my husband’s ashes.”
“ I’m sorry,” apologized the agent, “ I didn’t know he was deceased.”
“ He isn’t. He’s just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray.”
經典英語幽默故事21.
My wife and I got on a bus with our seven children to go sightseeing. When we reached our stop, I used my most commanding voice to speed the children off the bus, saying sternly, “ Everybody off!”
I had collected the last little one from the bus before I noticed that, with unquestioning obedience, all the other passengers had also left the bus, and the driver was going on his way with an empty bus.
經典英語幽默故事22.
Recently our college authorities require that all the students should wear their cards on the breast.
Li Ming, a student, looks at his student’s card now and then. Feeling puzzled, one of his classmates asked, “ Why do you constantly look at your card? Are you proud of wearing it?”
“ No,” Li answered, “ just because I’m always afraid of losing it.”
經典英語幽默故事23.
A boy saw many people in the street flock together looking at something one day. Curiously, he went there and wanted to see what had happened. There was a crowd and it’s difficult for him to get inside. Since the boy was quick-witted, a good idea suddenly occurred to him. He shouted to the crowd, “ The one killed is my father.” The crowd parted immediately and he got inside at once. However, to his great surprise, he found that lying in the center of the crowd was a dead donkey.
經典英語幽默故事24.
A: Why did the old lady throw the butter out of the window?
B; Because she wanted to see butter fly.
經典英語幽默故事25.
T: Name the two pronouns.
S: who? Me?
經典英語幽默故事26.
A: Today’s problems are all due to ignorance and indifference. Don’t you agree?
B: Well, I don’t know. Besides, I don’t care.
經典英語幽默故事27.
A priest was walking down a street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. “ And now what, my little man?” he asked.
“ Now, “ said the boy, “ Run like hell.”
經典英語幽默故事28.
A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. “ Don’t be angry,” the mother said. “ Your sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.” A short while later, there’s more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother said, “ Now she knows.”
經典英語幽默故事29.
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “ I found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name ’Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “ You had better have an explanation.”
“ Calm down, honey, “ the man replied. “ Remember last week when I was at the races? That was the name of the horse I bet on.”
The next morning his wife sneaked up and again whacked him. “ What was that for? “ he complained.
“ Your horse called last night!”
經典英語幽默故事30.
Long a widower, my father-in-law was getting remarried. Before the service, the minister instructed him on the ritual, emphasizing the “repeat-after-me” vows. The ceremony proceeded smoothly until after the ring exchange when the minister, who had started to read the wrong passage, corrected himself. We heard my father-in-law obediently repeated aloud, “ Oh, my, I’ve gone wrong.”
