父親節談談當父親的喜怒哀樂
To my husband, my editor, my colleagues, my brother, and my friends who have the good fortune to celebrate Father's Day, congrats. Where would we be without you?
致我的丈夫，我的主編，我的同事們，我的兄弟們，還有我的朋友們，祝你們父親節快樂。如果沒有你們，我們將會身處何方？
The Toughest Things About Being a Father
爲父之怒
1. Receiving cards on your birthday and on Father's Day which, while ostensibly an indication of affection, playfully suggest that you are lazy, cheap, overweight, getting older or going bald. Despite the fact that these are the only items available in major greeting card outlets, your feelings are sometimes hurt, although it is fully expected that you will laugh and say "thanks," anyway. Yet, you can't seem to shake the nagging awareness that their mother has yet to receive a Mother's Day card suggesting that she is fat, cheap, aging or grumpy.
1. 在你們的生日當天或父親節時收到賀卡，這雖然表面上看起來是愛的體現，實際上卻是以開玩笑的口吻暗示着你們很懶惰，很小氣，你們體重超標了，你們老了或者 是你們的頭髮越來越稀疏了。儘管商店裏只賣這類型的賀卡，你們還是感覺到有點兒受傷。但無論如何，孩子們很可能希望你們看到賀卡能開懷大笑，或者說句“謝 謝”。不過，孩子們的母親在母親節那天可沒收到這種卡片，暗示着她們變胖了，變老了，或者是脾氣變暴躁了。對於這件事，你似乎總是難以釋懷。
2. Having to refrain from making sarcastic remarks when your offspring wish to dye their hair, pierce their eyebrows or tattoo various parts of their person. It is tough not to say "I would have produced a piece of fabric instead of a kid if I knew all the future held in store was a series of tailoring exercises," but you must not say this.
2.當孩子們想要染頭髮，穿眉環或者在身上各個部位紋身時，你們得忍住不去挖苦他們。“早知道要孩子以後會面臨這些立規修養的活兒還不如花功夫織塊布呢，”這樣的話可能就在嘴邊，但你們必須忍住不說出口。
3. Having not to swear in front of children. Even when you find a melted chocolate bar on the front seat of the car. Even when their bedroom windows are open in the middle of February while this year's heating bills are higher than the salary at your first job. Even when they put caffeinated coffee in the coffeemaker without warning you and you spend the day wondering why your hands are tingling and why you have a sudden wish to sprint down the hallway at work. You don't want them to be confused by learning profanity at home rather than from their peers or from television, like the rest of the kids.
3. 不要在孩子面前說髒話。即使你發現車前座上有一塊融化了的巧克力；即使今年暖氣費比你第一份工作的薪水還要高而你的孩子卻在寒冬2月開着臥室的窗戶；即使 孩子們將含咖啡因的咖啡放入了咖啡機卻沒有告訴你一聲，導致你的手一整天都顫個不停，還會在工作時產生要在過道里猛跑一陣的衝動。孩子們在家裏學到髒話， 而不是像其他孩子一樣從同伴或是電視裏學到，會對他們造成困擾，而你並不想這樣。
4. Always dropping everyone else off at the door of the (choose most frequent option): restaurant, school event, place of worship, mall or party, and then heading off to search for a parking place. The weather can be a factor in all of this, but you will be exposed to the elements because it will be assumed that you will miraculously be less bothered than others by rain, snow, hail or, for that matter, meteor showers. The knowledge that you will later have to head out to locate the car to pick everyone else up when it is done, only to have to wait while they say their extended farewells or find a really cool bargain right near the door and "it will just take a second to buy it, OK?" is not terribly reassuring.
4.你們常常要負責將家人送到目的地（請選擇你們最常去的 地方）：飯館，學校活動，做禮拜的地方，購物商場或派對，然後獨自去找地方停車。這種時候天氣往往會是一個困擾你的因素，但接受這一挑戰的總是你，因爲家 人總認爲你們具有非凡的能力，相較其他家庭成員更有能力應付大雨，大雪，冰雹甚至是流星雨帶來的困擾。活動結束後，你們還得先出去取車，把大家接上車，卻 發現你們不得不再等等他們，因爲他們可能還在跟朋友告別，或者是在商場門口發現很值得買的便宜貨。而他們口中的“我要去買個東西，再等我一秒鐘好嗎？”通 常並不可靠。
The Easiest Things About Being a Father
爲父之喜
1. In very few households will you be asked at 7 p.m. the night before it is needed to make a costume depicting authentic dress from the Huron tribe for Native American Awareness Day at school.
1.學校第二天要舉辦的土著印第安人日活動，而前一天晚上7點纔要給孩子們準備一套能夠體現休倫部落傳統服飾的演出服。這種事情多數家庭都不會讓爸爸來做。
2. You can make up wholly fictional explanations and rationales for life, explain them in your best authoritative "Dad" voice, and have them be believed, at least briefly. For example, "Those speed bumps are put in front of tollbooth plazas so that hard-of-seeing drivers will have more time to find exact change," is one I was exposed to at a tender time of life. I believed it. It took me years to figure out why everyone else was laughing.
2. 你們可以用最擅長的“父親”的權威口吻編造關於人生的理論，然後讓孩子相信你們，至少是暫時信服。拿我來說吧，當我還年少無知時，我常常聽說“收費站前設 有減速帶是爲了讓那些眼神不好的司機有多點時間找零錢”。我相信了。很多年之後，我才明白爲什麼大家聽到這個說法會哈哈大笑。
3. You will be told in a casual manner about some of the most momentous events in your children's lives only AFTER they have been resolved. "I told Joshua that I would save up money and go hitchhiking with him in Turkey for the summer even though I have to retake geometry because I didn't quite pass it, but Josh was grounded for having his hair dyed, getting his eyebrow pierced and getting a tattoo. I'm REALLY glad I don't have a restrictive dad like his."
3.對於孩子們生活中的大事，他們通常會在自己解決完之後再以隨意的口吻知會你。“我曾告訴約書亞雖然我沒通過幾何考試，得重修，但我還是會攢錢，在今年暑假和他一起搭車去土耳其。不過喬希因染髮，穿眉環和刺青而被禁足了。我真的很慶幸我的父親沒那麼嚴格。”
The Worst Parts About Being a Father
爲父之哀
1. Phone calls from your kids in the middle of the night.
1.孩子們可能會半夜給你打電話。
2. Not feeling like you can say the heartbreakingly tender things to your kids you would like to say because you feel shy, or you're afraid they'd be embarrassed, or because you feel embarrassed or because your father never said stuff like that and you don't know how. The last reason is wholly unacceptable and indicates a need for serious emotional review, but all the other excuses are in fact the very BEST reasons to say the generous things you need to say and they need to hear.
2. 你感覺沒法對孩子們說溫柔感人的話。這也許是因爲你覺得害羞，或者你擔心孩子們會尷尬，或者你擔心自己會尷尬，或者是因爲你的父親從未對你說過這樣的話所 以你不知道該怎麼對你的孩子表達。最後一個理由是完全無法讓人接受的，也暗示着你需要進行深刻的情感反省。而事實上，其餘的理由恰好是你該對你的孩子們說 這些溫柔的話語的理由，同時也是他們需要聽這些話的理由。
The Best Part About Being a Father
爲父之樂
Having all those amazing, astonishing, loving feelings in the first place. Who knew it could be like this?
親身體驗所有這些神奇的，驚人的，有愛的感情。誰想到當父親會是這樣的感覺呢？
Happy Father's Day!
父親節快樂！
Vocabulary
ostensibly: 表面上地
nagging: 揮之不去的
profanity: 髒話
speed bump: 減速帶
hitchhiking: 搭便車旅行
