缺乏安全感嗎?這真的要怪你父母
Yes, It’s Your Parents’ Fault
We live in a culture that celebrates individualism and self-reliance, and yet we humans are an exquisitely social species, thriving in good company and suffering in isolation. More than anything else, our intimate Relationships, or lack thereof, shape and define our lives.
我們的文化讚美個人主義和自力更生，但人類是一種敏感的羣居物種，相處良好的關係讓人精神抖擻，孤獨的人則感到痛苦。有沒有親密的人際關係，對於塑造和定義我們生活具有非同一般的作用。While there have been many schools of thought to help us understand what strains and maintains human bonds, from Freudian to Gestalt, one of the most rigorously studied may be the least known to the public.
從佛洛伊德到格式塔，有很多學派在幫助我們瞭解維繫人際關係，導致關係緊張的因素，但有一種理論對這方面進行了最爲細緻的研究，卻有可能是最不爲人所知的一個。
It’s called attachment theory, and there’s growing consensus about its capacity to explain and improve how we function in relationships.
它就是依戀理論，人們對其解釋和改進人際關係的能力正產生越來越多的共識。Conceived more than 50 years ago by the British psychoanalyst John Bowlby and scientifically validated by an American developmental psychologist, Mary S. Ainsworth, attachment theory is now having a breakout moment, applied everywhere from inner-city preschools to executive coaching programs. Experts in the fields of psychology, neuroscience, sociology and education say the theory’s underlying assumption — that the quality of our early attachments profoundly influences how we behave as Adults — has special resonance in an era when people seem more attached to their smartphones than to one another.
這個理論是50多年前英國心理學家約翰·巴比(British Bowlby)設想出來的，美國發展心理學家瑪麗·S·安斯沃思(Mary S. Ainsworth)以科學方法對其進行了驗證。依戀理論現在獲得了前所未有的普及，從老城區的幼兒園到企管培訓課程，很多地方都運用在這個理論。其基本假設是，我們的早期依戀的質量深刻影響了我們的成年階段。心理學、神經科學、社會學和教育領域的專家說，如今人們似乎更依戀智能手機而不是依戀彼此，依戀理論的基本假設在這個時代存在一種特別的反響。By the end of our first year, we have stamped on our baby brains a pretty indelible template of how we think relationships work, based on how our parents or other primary caregivers treat us. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense, because we need to figure out early on how to survive in our immediate environment.
嬰兒一週歲的時候，大腦中就已經形成了一個幾乎不可磨滅的對關係的思考模式，父母或其他看護者對待嬰兒的方式塑造了這個思考模式。從進化的角度來看，這是有道理的，因爲嬰兒需要早點弄清楚如何在當前的環境中生存下去。“If you’re securely attached, that’s great, because you have the expectation that if you are distressed you will be able to turn to someone for help and feel you can be there for others,” said Miriam Steele, the co-director of the Center for Attachment Research at the New School for Social Research in New York.
“如果你能安全地依戀某人，那非常好，因爲你會覺得，在心情不好的時候，你可以向某人尋求幫助，而且覺得你也可以幫助別人，”紐約社會研究新學院依戀研究中心(Center for Attachment Research at the New School for Social Research)聯合主任米里林·斯蒂爾(Miriam Steele)說。It’s not so great if you are one of the 40 percent to 50 percent of babies who, a meta-analysis of research indicates, are insecurely attached because their early experiences were suboptimal (their caregivers were distracted, overbearing, dismissive, unreliable, absent or perhaps threatening). “Then you have to earn your security,” Dr. Steele said, by later forming secure attachments that help you override your flawed internal working model.
一項綜合分析表明，40%到50%的嬰兒在這方面的狀況不佳，具有不安全的依戀模式，因爲他們的早期經歷不理想（看護者心不在焉、霸道專橫、不上心、不可靠、不在場，或者可能進行了脅迫）。“這樣你就必須努力去爭取獲得安全感，”斯蒂爾說，晚一些時候形成的安全依戀風格，可以幫助你改寫有缺陷的內在運作模式。Given that the divorce rate is also 40 percent to 50 percent, it would seem that this is not an easy task. Indeed, researchers said, people who have insecure attachment models tend to be drawn to those who fit their expectations, even if they are treated badly. They may subconsciously act in ways that elicit insensitive, unreliable or abusive behavior, whatever is most familiar. Or they may flee secure attachments because they feel unfamiliar.
鑑於離婚率也是40%至50%，這看上去不像是一個容易的任務。事實上，研究人員說，如果你的依戀模式屬於不安全的類型，你容易被符合你的期望的人吸引，即使他們對你並不好。你可能會在潛意識的驅使下做一些事情，引起不敏感、不可靠或虐待行爲，這些是你最熟悉的行爲。你也可能會逃離安全的依戀關係，因爲這讓你感到陌生。“Our attachment system preferentially sees things according to what has happened in the past,” said Dr. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist at Columbia University and the co-author of the book “Attached,” which explores how attachment behaviors affect the neurochemistry of the brain. “It’s kind of like searching in Google where it fills in based on what you searched before.”
哥倫比亞大學的精神病學家阿米爾·列文(Amir Levine)和《依戀》(Attached)一書的合著者說：“我們的依戀系統優先看到過去發生的事情。這就像是谷歌搜索服務會根據你之前搜索的內容進行自動填充一樣。”《依戀》探索了依戀行爲如何影響大腦的神經化學機制。But again, history is not necessarily destiny. Intervention programs at the New School and the University of Delaware are having marked success helping at-risk groups like teenage mothers change their attachment behaviors (often passed down through generations) and establish more secure relationships. Another attachment-based intervention strategy called Circle of Security, which has 19,000 trained facilitators in 20 countries, has also proved effective.
但是，歷史不一定就會決定命運。新學院和特拉華大學的干預項目取得了顯著的成功，這些項目幫助少女母親這樣的高危羣體改變依戀行爲（通常會代代相傳），並建立更安全的關係。另一個稱爲安全圈(Circle of Security)的項目也被證明是有效的，這是一個基於依戀的干預項目，在20個國家有1.9萬名訓練有素的協調員。What these protocols have in common is promoting participants’ awareness of their attachment style, and their related sabotaging behaviors, as well as training on how to balance vulnerability and autonomy in relationships.
這些協議的共同點是促進參與者對自己的依戀風格及其相關破壞行爲的認識，訓練他們去平衡關係中的脆弱性和自主性。One reason attachment theory has “gained so much traction lately is its ideas and observations are so resonant with our daily lives,” said Kenneth Levy, an associate professor of psychology at Pennsylvania State University who researches attachment-oriented psychotherapy.
賓夕法尼亞州立大學依戀心理療法的心理學副教授肯尼思·利維(Kenneth Levy)說，依戀理論“獲得了這麼多的關注的一個原因是，它的理念和觀點與我們的日常生活存在很多共鳴。”Indeed, if you look at the classic categories of attachment styles — secure; insecure anxious; insecure avoidant; and insecure disorganized — it’s pretty easy to figure out which one applies to you and others in your life. The categories stem from tens of thousands of observations of babies and toddlers whose caregivers leave them briefly, either alone or with a stranger, and then return, a test known as the “strange situation.” The labels can also apply to how adults behave toward loved ones in times of stress.
事實上，如果你看看經典的依戀風格類型——安全型、不安全焦慮型、不安全迴避型，和不安全紊亂型——很容易看出你和你遇見過的人屬於哪種類型。這種分類來自於對數以千計的嬰兒和幼兒的觀察，他們的看護者離開一會兒，留下他們獨自一人或者是和陌生人待一起，然後看護者再返回，這稱爲“陌生情景”的測試。而成年人在遇到壓力的時候如何對待他們喜歡的人，也可以分爲這些類型。Secure children get upset when their caregivers leave, and run toward them with outstretched arms when they return. They fold into the caregiver and are quickly soothed. A securely attached adult similarly goes to a loved one for comfort and support when they, say, are passed over for a promotion at work or feel vulnerable or hurt. They are also eager to reciprocate when the tables are turned.
安全型的孩子在看護者離開時表現出不安，並在看護者回來時伸出手臂向他們跑去。他們抱住看護者，情緒很快就舒緩下來。類似地，安全型的成年人如果錯過晉升，或感覺脆弱受傷時，也會向親人尋求安慰和支持。而當親人遇到問題時，他們也樂於提供安慰和支持。Children high on the insecure anxious end of the spectrum get upset when caregivers leave and may go to them when they return. But these children aren’t easily soothed, usually because the caregiver has proved to be an unreliable source of comfort in the past. They may kick and arch their back as if they are angry. As adults, they tend to obsess about their relationships and may be overly dramatic in order to get attention. They may hound romantic interests instead of taking it slow.
不安全焦慮型的兒童在看護人離開時會感到不安，並且可能在看護人回來的時候走向他們。但是這些孩子的焦慮情緒不容易緩解，這通常是因爲過去的一些事情已經證明看護者作爲安慰的來源不太可靠。孩子可能會有踢打、弓背等動作，好像在生氣。作爲成年人，這種類型傾向於對關係過於沉迷，可能會做出過度戲劇化的事情，以便獲得注意。他們可能會迅速升溫戀情，而不是慢慢發展。Insecure avoidant children don’t register distress when their caregivers leave (although their stress hormones and heart rate may be sky high) and they don’t show much interest when caregivers return, because they are used to being ignored or rebuffed. Alternatively, a parent may have smothered them with too much attention. Insecure avoidant adults tend to have trouble with intimacy and are more likely to leave relationships, particularly if they are going well. They may not return calls and resist talking about their feelings.
不安全迴避型的孩子在看護者離開時，沒有表現出痛苦（儘管他們的壓力激素和心率可能大大升高），並且在看護者回來時，他們也不會表現出很大的興趣，可能因爲他們習慣了被忽略或拒絕，或者可能是父母太多的關注讓他們感到窒息。不安全迴避型成年人容易在親密關係中感到彆扭，離開一段關係的可能性更大，特別是在關係發展順利的時候。他們可能會不回電話，拒絕談論自己的感覺。Finally, insecure disorganized children and adults display both anxious and avoidant behaviors in an illogical and erratic manner. This behavior is usually the lingering result of situations where a childhood caregiver was threatening or abusive.
最後，不安全紊亂型兒童和成人會用不合邏輯、不穩定的方式來表現焦慮和迴避行爲。這通常是兒童遭到看護者威脅或虐待的長期結果。Tools to determine your dominant attachment style include the Adult Attachment Interview, which is meant to be administered by a clinician, or self-report questionnaires like the Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Survey. But critics said their accuracy depends on the skill and training of the interviewer in the case of the former and the self-awareness of the test taker in the latter, which perhaps explains why you can take both tests and end up in different categories.
要確定你的主要依戀風格，可以到臨牀醫生那裏進行成人依戀面談(Adult Attachment Interview)，或者是填寫自我調查問卷，比如《依戀風格和緊密關係調查問卷》(Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Survey)。但批評者說，該工具的準確性在前一種情況下取決於受訪者的技能和受過的訓練，後一種情況下取決於測試者的自我意識，這也許可以解釋爲什麼你參加的這兩種測試結果可能會不一樣。“It can also be possible that people should be viewed as along a continuum in all categories,” said Glenn I. Roisman, the director of the Relationships Research Lab at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis.
“我們可能也應該把所有類別看成漸變的連續帶，”明尼阿波利斯明尼蘇達大學關係研究實驗室主任格倫·I·若斯曼(Glenn I. Roisman)說。It’s worth noting that just as people in the insecure categories can become more secure when they form close relationships with secure people, secure people can become less so if paired with people who are insecure. “You need social context to sustain your sense of security,” said Peter Fonagy, a professor of psychoanalysis at University College London.
值得注意的是，正如一個不安全類別的人，在與安全型的人建立密切關係時可以變得更趨向於安全型，那些安全型的人在與不安全類別的人交往時，也可能會變得缺乏安全感。倫敦大學學院心理分析教授彼得·方納吉(Peter Fonagy)說：“你需要社交背景來維持安全感。He added that having secure attachments is not about being a perfect parent or partner but about maintaining communication to repair the inevitable rifts that occur. In the daily battering of any relationship, Dr. Fonagy said, “if free flow of communication is impaired, the relationship is, too.”
他說，擁有安全型的依戀風格，重點並不在於成爲完美的父母或伴侶，而是在於維持溝通、修復難以避免的裂痕。任何關係都會有日常的磕磕碰碰，方納吉說，“如果自由的交流溝通受到損害，關係也會蒙受損失。”
