Beyond Fear ing-bottom: 56.25%;">超越恐懼 When I was told last year that my 2－year－old son had an illness that threatened his life, I tried to strike a bargain with fate――I would do anything, I would trade my old life away, if only he would get better. We learned that our son would need months of treatment, maybe even a year, before we would know whether he would recover. My husband and I settled into a deadening routine; one night at the hospital, the next night at home to be with our daughter, then right back to the hospital. The days and nights were a blur of medical reports. Fear and despair engulfed me.去年當我得知兩歲的兒子患了一種危及生命的疾病時，我努力跟命運抗爭--只要他能好起來，我什麼都願意做，甚至改變我以前的生活。我們得知，兒子需要治療好幾個月、甚至一年後，才知道是不是能康復。我和我丈夫陷入了一種呆板的生活中：頭一晚在醫院，第二天晚上在家陪女兒，然後又一晚待在醫院。日日夜夜都是治療報告。恐懼和絕望吞沒了我。I watched the other mothers at the hospital. I saw the mother of the child with cystic fibrosis faithfully administer physical therapy, heard the hollow thump－thump－thump as she pounded the child's chest, her efforts a talisman of dedication, hope and pain. I ached for the mother whose infant twins both had cancer and who managed somehow to write thank－you notes to the nurses after the babies' many hospitalizations. I worried that I could not live up to these mothers' heroism. They did what good mothers are supposed to do,what mothers of sick children have to do,and what I did, too.我觀察了一下醫院裏的其他母親。有一個孩子囊性纖維變性，他母親盡職地幫他進行理療，在孩子胸上連續敲打，聽砰砰的聲音。她的努力裏面飽含着奉獻、希望和痛苦。我敬重那位母親，她的一對雙胞胎嬰兒得了癌症，她在孩子們多次治療之後還能強忍悲痛給護士們寫感謝信。I worried that I could not live up to these mothers' heroism. They did what good mothers are supposed to do,what mothers of sick children have to do,and what I did, too.我擔心自己可能做不到像這些母親那樣堅強。她們做的正是好母親該做的，也是病兒母親不得不做的，也是我所做的。But I did not feel selfless, the way those other mothers seemed to feel. I was ashamed to admit it, but mingled with my terror and grief. After the first three weeks, we realized we were only at the start of a marathon. The friends who knew me best started telling me I should go back to work. It would be good for you to get a break, they said. I resisted. Good mothers, I thought, do not abandon their sick children for work. Yet when my son's doctor told me he thought it would be fine, that he could E－mail his assessments, I tore myself away.但我並不像其他母親那樣覺得無私。我很羞愧地承認這一點，同時感到恐懼和悲傷。頭三週過後，我們意識到這只是一場馬拉松的開頭。瞭解我的朋友開始對我說，我應該繼續工作。他們說，換換環境對我有好處。可我拒絕了。我認爲好母親不會丟下生病的孩子去工作。然而兒子的醫生也告訴我那樣做會好一些，他可以用電子郵件向我傳遞治療報告，我只好忍痛離開了。 I could not work a normal schedule――far from it. But as the months of my son's treatment dragged on, he was able to stay out of the hospital for longer periods. My husband and I still took turns at the outpatient clinic or at the hospital. I was lucky that my family and my baby sitter could also relieve me so that my son was never alone.我無法正常工作--遠遠不能。但兒子的治療捱過了一個月又一個月，他可以出院在外待較長時間了。我和我丈夫仍然輪流去門診所或是醫院。幸運的是，我的家人和保姆也能減輕我的負擔，所以兒子一直有人陪着。 There were still long stretches when I needed to drop everything to be with him. But to my surprise, I found that going to work when I could eased my sense of helplessness. I could be distracted: there were phone calls and deadlines and a rhythm to be swept into. I could be in control of something.雖然是這樣，可仍有很長一段時間我得拋開一切事情陪在他身邊。但讓我吃驚的是，我發現只有在工作的時候才能減輕我的無助感。我可以分散注意力，因爲有那麼多電話要處理，那麼多緊急的和日常的工作要去做。我還能夠管理某些事情。I felt guilty at first about the solace I took from work.I often wondered what the other mothers thought of me――taking my work clothes to the hospital, showering in the parents' stall after a long night in which we'd heard the cries of all our children. 剛開始我覺得從工作中獲得安慰有一種內疚感。我常常想到別的母親會怎麼看我--我把上班穿的衣服帶到醫院，熬了長長的一晚聽夠孩子們的哭鬧後在家長單間裏沖澡。Eventually, I realized that getting away was good not only for me but for my son and daughter. When my son first became sick, the doctors told me I had to be strong for him. I could not show fear. Somehow I also had to convey confidence to my daughter, to help her endure what had befallen us.最後，我意識到離開不僅對我而且對我兒子女兒都有好處。兒子剛開始生病的時候，醫生就對我說，爲了他我得堅強起來。我不能把恐懼顯露出來。我還得設法把信心傳遞給女兒，幫她忍受降臨在我們身上的事情。Although I feared that working might be selfish,I could see that it actually seemed reassuring to my children,a sign that we could,for moments at least,return to our routines. Working was a pledge that life could go was a statement of hope.儘管我也擔心我去工作可能自私了一些，但我知道實際上這消除了孩子們的疑慮，這標誌着我們至少有時可以回到常規的生活中去。工作意味着生活能繼續。工作也說明有希望。 Once again, as I had so often realized since I had become a mother, I understood how dangerous are the " shoulds" of motherhood, how destructive is society's insistence on one right way to be a good mother. Too many experts tell us that good mothers do not abandon their children to baby sitters. Good mothers prove their devotion by never leaving their children. Yet such rules ignore the truth that mothers are not all alike, that there are many ways to give children what they need and deserve. The rules tell mothers how to act without taking into account how mothers feel and how those feelings will affect their children.我再一次認識到--自從做了母親後我已多次意識到--做母親的"該做些什麼"這樣的想法有多危險，而社會堅持如何做好母親的惟一標準又有多大的毀滅性。有那麼多專家告訴我們，好母親不會把孩子留給保姆。好母親的愛心就是從不把孩子獨自留下。然而這些規則都忽略了這樣一個事實：並不是所有的母親都一樣，而且滿足孩子的需要和他們該得到的有方式很多。這些規則沒有考慮到母親的感覺，以及這種感覺會對孩子有何影響。 If I had followed the rules, I would have succumbed to terror and failed my children. In the end, this ordeal eased my guilt about leaving my son's side at times. I realized that I, like many others who care for sick people, needed somewhere else to go once in a while to draw breath and find meaning before returning to the work of me, my job was that others, it might be someplace else.如果我也遵循了這些規則，我也許就向恐懼投降了，也會使我的孩子失望。這種嚴峻的考驗最終減輕了我因爲時不時離開兒子而產生的負疚感。我認識到，像其他照顧患者的人一樣，我也需要不時地去其他地方歇一歇，找到生活的意義，然後再回去照料病人。對我而言，工作就是這樣一個換換氣的地方。對別人來說，可能是其他地方。 My son is recovering now, but I am still too close to his illness to understand fully what lessons I can learn, what meaning I can wrest, from this experience. All I can say is that working when my child was so sick might look wrong from the outside, but on the inside, it helped keep me sane. I grew less intimidated by the other mothers. I allowed myself to see that I was no less dedicated. We were all caring for our children, each in our own way.我兒子現在正在恢復，但我仍很擔心他的病情，以致於不完全知道從這次經歷中我能吸取什麼教訓、得出什麼結論。我能說的只是孩子生病我還工作，在外人看來這似乎是不對的。但實際上，這樣做幫助我保持理智。我不再因爲其他母親的行動而感到恐懼不安。我自己也看到我跟其他母親一樣樂於獻身。我們都很關心孩子，只是每個人都有自己的方式。
