《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 104 (249):生命中的超現實時光

Maybe I'm not getting across how fun all this is. Truly, it's so much odd and satisfying fun, trying to figure all this out. Or maybe I'm just enjoying this surreal moment in my life so much because I happen to be falling in love, and that always makes the world seem delightful, no matter how insane your reality.

I always liked Felipe. But there's something about the way he takes on The Saga of Way-an's House that brings us together during the month of August like a real couple. It's none of his concern, of course, what happens to this trippy Balinese medicine woman. He's a busi-nessman. He's managed to live in Bali for five years without getting too entwined in the per-sonal lives and complex rituals of the Balinese, but suddenly here he is wading with me through muddy rice paddies and trying to find a priest who will give Wayan an auspicious date.

"I was perfectly happy in my boring life before you came along," he always says.

He was bored in Bali before. He was languid and killing time, a character from a Graham Greene novel. That indolence stopped the moment we were introduced. Now that we're together, I get to hear Felipe's version of how we met, a delicious story I never tire of hearing—about how he saw me at the party that night, standing with my back to him, and how I did not even need to turn my head and show him my face before he had realized somewhere deep in his gut, "That is my woman. I will do anything to have that woman."

"And it was easy to get you," he says. "All I had to do was beg and plead for weeks."

"You didn't beg and plead."

"You didn't notice me begging and pleading?"

He talks about how we went dancing that first night we met, and how he watched me get all attracted to that cute Welsh guy, and how his heart sank as he saw the scene unfolding, thinking, "I'm putting all this work into seducing this woman, and now that handsome young guy's just going to take her from me and bring so much complication into her life—if only she knew how much love I could offer her." Which he can. He's a caregiver by nature, and I can feel him going into a kind of orbit around me, making me the key directional setting for his compass, growing into the role of being my attendant knight. Felipe is the kind of man who desperately needs a woman in his life—but not so that he can be taken care of; only so that he can have someone to care for, someone to consecrate himself to. Having lived without such a relationship ever since his marriage ended, he's been adrift in life recently, but now he is organizing himself around me. It's lovely to be treated this way. But it also scares me. I hear him downstairs sometimes mak-ing me dinner as I am lounging upstairs reading, and he's whistling some happy Brazilian samba, calling up, "Darling—would you like another glass of wine?" and I wonder if I am cap-able of being somebody's sun, somebody's everything. Am I centered enough now to be the center of somebody else's life? But when I finally brought up the topic with him one night, he said, "Have I asked you to be that person, darling? Have I asked you to be the center of my life?"

或許我尚未理解到這一切是多麼有趣。說實話，想辦法去理解這一切，既古怪卻又有趣得很。或許我之所以十分享受生命中這段超現實時光，只是因爲我碰巧談戀愛了，這向來讓世界看起來如此可愛，無論周遭現實何等瘋狂。

我一向喜愛斐利貝。但他在八月間"大姐之家的故事"當中的表現方式，讓我們像真正的夫妻般。當然，這位顛顛倒倒的巴釐女藥師發生什麼事，並不幹他的事。他是生意人。他住在巴厘島將近五年，卻未與巴厘島人的個人生活和複雜儀式有過度牽扯，突然間卻和我涉過泥濘的稻田，尋找能帶給大姐吉日的祭司……

"在遇上你之前，我愉快地過着自己的無聊生活。"他經常這樣說。

從前他在巴厘島很無聊。他沒精打采地混日子，像葛林（GrahamGreene）小說中的人物。我們一認識，怠惰感立即停止。如今我們既然在一起，我得以聆聽斐利貝自己的說法，有關我們如何相識的過程，我從未聽膩的美好故事——他在那晚的派對上如何凝望我，即便我背對着他，甚至我無需轉頭讓他看見我的臉，他內心即已明瞭："她是我的女人。爲了擁有這個女人，我願意做任何事。"

"得到你並不難，"他說，"我只須苦苦哀求幾個星期。"

"你纔沒苦苦哀求。"

"你沒注意到我苦苦哀求？"

他說起我們頭一晚見面去跳舞，他看我完全着迷於那個俊俏的威爾士傢伙，形勢的發展使他心情低落，心想："我極力引誘這名女人，而現在那個小白臉就要把她搶走，給她的生活帶來許多麻煩——但願她知道我有能力給她多少愛。" 他的確有能力。他是個天生的照顧者，我能感覺他進入我身邊的軌道中，讓我成爲他的指南針所設定的方向，而他則變成我的隨從騎士。斐利貝是那種亟需生命中有個女人的男人——不是爲了讓自己被人照顧，而是爲了有個人讓他照顧，讓他奉獻。他從結束婚姻後，生活中未曾再有過此種關係，近來一直過着漂泊不定的生活，但現在他把自己組織起來，包圍着我。被人如此對待是件好事，卻也令我害怕。有時我聽見他在樓下做晚飯給我吃，我則在樓上悠閒地看書，聽他哼着愉快的巴西森巴，朝樓上呼喊："甜心——想不想再來杯酒？"而我心想，自己有沒有能力成爲某人的太陽，某人的一切？此時的我是否足夠集中，得以成爲他人的生活中心？某晚我終於跟他提起這個話題，他說："我可曾要求你成爲這樣的人，甜心？我可曾要求你成爲我的生活中心？"