"全職爸爸"不稱職
I am a partner in a City law firm and lucky (wise?) to have married a man who gave up his career to stay home with our two young children. He is happy and so are the children. However, I am increasingly irritated that I get home in the evening exhausted to find them all slumped on the sofa watching television, homework often undone and the kids not yet bathed. I usually end up doing it myself. I’m doing a rotten job of managing and motivating my husband. How to do it better?
我是倫敦金融城一家律所的合夥人，我很幸運地（或者說很明智地？）嫁給了一位願意放棄工作、專門在家照看兩個年幼孩子的男人。他和孩子們對此都感到很開心。然而，令我越來越受不了的是，每天晚上當我筋疲力盡回到家的時候，總是發現他們都窩在沙發上看電視，功課總是一點也沒做，孩子們也沒洗澡。結果總是我自己動手做這些事。我在管理和激勵我的丈夫方面做得太糟糕了。怎樣才能做得好點？Solicitor, female, 40s
律師，女性，40多歲Lucy’s answer
露西的回答
It doesn’t matter if it was luck or wisdom: in marrying a man prepared to slouch about on the sofa all day you did the best thing possible for your career. The one thing that unites women at the very top is that they almost all have beta husbands.
說是幸運還是明智其實無關緊要，嫁給一個成天想窩在沙發上的男人，對你的職業生涯或許是一件再好不過的事。職場女強人的一個共同特點是，她們幾乎都有個弱勢老公。That is the good bit. The bad bit is the gnawing, desperate, hysterical rage you feel when you get home to find the children unbathed. I know that wasn’t how you described it, but I’m putting words in your mouth having had experience of this sort of thing.
這是好的一面，不好的一面是，當你回到家發現孩子們還沒洗澡時，你會難受、絕望、怒氣沖天。我知道你沒有這麼說，不過我經歷過類似的事情，我是在藉機說我自己的感受。When I get home tired to find my grown-up children still surrounded by the detritus of breakfast, I let loose a rage so elemental that my husband often has to intervene.
當我一身疲憊回到家，發現已經長大成人的孩子們吃完早餐後都沒有收拾的時候，我就會大發雷霆，我先生經常不得不介入。Because I understand your situation so well, I know what the answer is. Or rather I know what it isn’t.
由於我能切身體會你的感受，我知道問題的答案是什麼。或者準確地說，我知道答案不是什麼。It is not better management and motivation for your husband. Abandon all hope that you can change the way he does things.
問題不在於管理和激勵你的丈夫。放棄一切認爲你可以改變他做事方式的幻想吧。If he runs the show at home, then rules have to be set by him. People like you and me who think it matters hugely that baths are at a fixed time are constitutionally different from people who don’t think it matters a jot. Nothing can be done to turn one sort into the other.
如果家裏由他打理，那麼規則就該由他說了算。你和我這樣認爲每天定期洗澡非常重要的人，與那些認爲這種事無所謂的人生來就不一樣。沒辦法把其中一種人改變成另外一種。You have three options. The first is to bathe them yourself. This can work, but – here’s the catch – you have to do it cheerfully. If you do it as an angry, resentful martyr you become loathsome to everyone, including yourself.
你有三個選擇。第一個選擇就是自己給孩子們洗澡。這可以解決問題，關鍵在於，在這個過程中你要保持愉快。如果你做這件事的時候像一個充滿憤怒和怨恨的受氣包，你會在所有人的眼中——包括你自己——變得令人生厭。Alternatively, you could pay someone else to do it. This can be fine, though if the point is that your husband is looking after the children, it rather spoils it if the nanny is doing it instead.
或者你也可以花錢請別人來做這件事。這辦法也不錯，只不過，原本是由你丈夫照看孩子，現在要讓保姆來做，事情就有點變樣了。Or, third, you learn to stop minding. This is terribly hard to pull off for control freaks like you and me. But it is a bit easier than the alternatives. Comfort yourself with the fact that if the children are old enough to do homework, it can’t be long before they start bathing themselves. In the meantime, I suggest you open a bottle of wine as soon as you get through the door. It takes the edge off.
或者還有第三種選擇，就是你要學會不再介意。這對你我這種有控制慾的人來說極其困難。不過這比其他辦法要容易一點。你可以這麼安慰自己，等孩子們長大一點，能獨自完成家庭作業以後，他們很快就可以自己洗澡了。還有，我建議你一進家門就開瓶酒，這可以讓你放鬆。Your advice
讀者的建議Get a nanny
請個保姆Ask yourself if he really is capable of more. Mine wasn’t. If you can afford it supplement his care with a nanny who understands that the children must be bathed. Workplace management skills do not typically work at home.
你問問自己，他是不是真的能多做一些事？反正我的丈夫是做不到的。如果你能出得起錢，就再找一個知道孩子們必須洗澡的保姆。職場的管理技巧在家裏通常沒用。Marketing director, female, 40s
銷售總監，女性，40多歲He isn’t staff
他不是你的員工It sounds like you see your husband as a member of your support staff. If he feels you ignore his concerns about his demotion from partner, he may see non-compliance as his only option.
聽起來你似乎將你的丈夫視爲你的支持團隊的員工。如果他擔心自己作爲伴侶的地位降級了，並且覺得你無視他這種感受，他可能會將不服從視爲唯一選擇。Non-compliant support husband, 40s
不願順從的後援丈夫，40多歲Make a list
列一張家務清單My wife works full-time and I am self-employed so I do all the child and house duties. I ask my wife for a list of things I should do during the day and that makes me motivated.
我太太是全職工作，而我則是自由職業者，因此我負責孩子們的所有事宜和家務事。我讓我太太每天列一張我應做事情的清單，這樣我會感覺很有動力。Self-employed, male, 38
自由職業者，男性，38歲Anger issues
關於憤怒Your husband and children are happy but you are full of anger and resentment? Unless you and your husband can come to terms with your issues, I predict you are headed for divorce and he will get custody of the children with big support payments and alimony.
你丈夫和孩子們很開心，而你卻充滿憤怒和怨恨？除非你和你丈夫在你的問題上能達成一致，否則我預言你正走向離婚，你丈夫將獲得孩子們的撫養權並得到大筆撫養費和生活費。Former stay-at-home father
前全職爸爸Talk to him
與他談一談Your husband could well be depressed. He gave up his career for you yet rather than trying to communicate with him, you prefer running first to strangers in a newspaper. That’s daft. Try having a real conversation with him.
你丈夫可能會很鬱悶。他爲了你放棄了自己的職業生涯，而你有了問題不與他溝通，卻寧願在報紙上求助陌生人。這麼做很愚蠢。試着與他真正談一次。Anon, male, 40s
匿名，男性，40多歲Use sex
用性愛手段The simple answer is to use sex. When the kids are bathed and homeworked before you get home he gets lucky and when they are not he doesn’t.
最簡單的辦法就是用性愛手段。如果你回家前孩子們洗澡了，功課也做了，他就能得到獎賞。如果啥都沒幹，他就沒那麼幸運了。Anon
匿名Get him a job
讓他去工作I only know of two families where the husband took on the “househusband” role and both husbands suffered nervous breakdowns and attempted suicide. I would never allow my husband to be a househusband for an unlimited time, even though he was man enough to offer.
有“家庭主夫”的家庭我只聽說過兩家，兩位丈夫後來都因爲精神崩潰而試圖自殺。我永遠都不會讓我丈夫無限期地做主夫，就算他特爺們地提議這麼做也不行。
