經典科幻文學:《生命 宇宙及一切》第19章2

Some very scurrilous and subversive sources hint at the idea that Lig actually perished in the Guide’s first extraordinary experiments in alternative book-keeping. Very little is known of this, and less still said. Anyone who even notices, let alone calls attention to, the curious but utter coincidental and meaningless fact that every world on which the Guide has ever set up an accounting department has shortly afterwards perished in warfare or some natural disaster, is liable to get sued to smithereens.
It is an interesting though utterly unrelated fact that the two or three days prior to the demolition of the planet Earth to make way for a new hyperspace bypass saw a dramatic upsurge in the number of UFO sightings there, not only above Lords Cricket Ground in St. John’s Wood, London, but also above Glastonbury in Somerset.
Glastonbury had long been associated with myths of ancient kings, witchcraft, ley-lines an wart curing, and had now been selected as the site for the new Hitch Hiker’s Guide financial records office, and indeed, ten years’ worth of financial records were transferred to a magic hill just outside the city mere hours before the Vogons arrived.
None of these facts, however strange or inexplicable, is as strange or inexplicable as the Rules of the game of Brockian Ultra-Cricket, as played in the higher dimensions. A full set of rules is so massively complicated that the only time they were all bound together in a single volume, they underwent gravitational collapse and became a Black Hole.
A brief summary, however, is as follows:
Rule One: Grow at least three extra legs. You won’t need them, but it keeps the crowds amused.
Rule Two: Find one good Brockian Ultra-Cricket player. Clone him off a few times. This saves an enormous amount of tedious selection and training.
Rule Three: Put your team and the opposing team in a large field and build a high wall round them.
The reason for this is that, though the game is a major spectator sport, the frustration experienced by the audience at not actually being able to see what’s going on leads them to imagine that it’s a lot more exciting than it really is. A crowd that has just watched a rather humdrum game experiences far less life affirmation than a crowd that believes it has just missed the most dramatic event in sporting history.
Rule Four: Throw lots of assorted items of sporting equipment over the wall for the players. Anything will do cricket bats, basecube bats, tennis guns, skis, anything you can get a good swing with.
Rule Five: The players should now lay about themselves for all they are worth with whatever they find to hand. Whenever a player scores a “hit” on another player, he should immediately run away and apologize from a safe distance.
Apologies should be concise, sincere and, for maximum clarity and points, delivered through a megaphone.
Rule Six: The winning team shall be the first team that wins.
Curiously enough, the more the obsession with the game grows in the higher dimensions, the less it is actually played, since most of the competing teams are now in a state of permanent warfare with each other over the interpretation of these rules. This is all for the best, because in the long run a good solid war is less psychologically damaging than a protracted game of Brockian Ultra-Cricket.

一些用心險惡的反動言論暗示，裏格其實已經死亡，死於《指南》第一次多重記帳實驗。人們對此事知之甚少——有人說，比大家想的還要少。每一個建有《指南》財務部的星球，都在不久後毀於戰爭或自然災害，這是一種奇怪而無聊的巧合。不僅如此，那些注意到——更別說關心到——這一事實的人，都將遭遇人間蒸發。
同樣有趣、也同樣無關緊要的一件事是：在地球這顆行星上，就在因修建超空間通道而被毀滅的前兩天，那裏的人們目擊了大量的UFO。不只是倫敦聖瓊斯森林羅德板球場的上空，薩默塞特郡①的格拉斯頓伯裏②上空也有。
自古以來，格拉斯頓伯裏總讓人聯想起許多神話，關於古代國王、巫術、會治療疣子的魔法師們在小徑上集會等等。如今，它又被選作《指南》最新的財務部所在地。經過十年之久，那些財務記錄終於被轉移到城外一座魔法小山上，幾小時後，沃貢人就來了。
上述事件固然怪得不可思議，但比起高維度世界的壞小子極端板球來，還是略遜一籌。這個遊戲的完整版規則實在太複雜了。它們完全收錄在冊只有唯一的一次，那個冊子當時就發生了重力坍縮，變成了黑洞。
精簡版規則如下：
規則一：至少要多長三條腿。你用不着它們，但這能讓大家發笑。
規則二：找一位優秀的壞小子極端板球運動員，把他克隆幾遍。這能省下大量臻選和訓練的工夫。
規則三：把你的隊伍和敵方隊伍放到一塊空地上，在周圍築起高高的牆。
原因是這樣的：雖說這種運動頗具觀賞性，但是，如果觀衆沒能看見比賽過程，他們便會將其想象得非常精彩，比實際情況還要精彩。與其讓人們觀看一場無聊的比賽，遠不如讓他們相信、自己錯過了運動史上最精彩的瞬間。
規則四：把各種合適的運動器材從牆外丟給運動員，什麼都行——板球拍，基本立方球棍，網球炮，滑雪板，總之就是適合揮動的東西。
規則五：運動員現在可以拿着到手的東西，儘可能地亂竄、亂打，一旦有誰擊中了（另一位運動員），就應立刻跑開，在安全的距離之外道歉。
道歉應當簡明、真誠、最大限度地清晰扼要。
規則六：首先獲勝的隊伍獲勝。
有趣的是，高維度生命對這種運動的熱情越高漲，這種運動就越是難以真正進行——大部分參賽隊伍，因爲規則闡釋的問題，正處於交戰狀態。這算是好的了。因爲與一場曠日持久的壞小子極端板球比賽相比，一次堅苦卓絕的戰爭給人帶來的精神創傷，畢竟小得多。