《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 17 (32):和抑鬱抗爭大綱
What a large number of factors constitute a single human being! How very many layers we operate on, and how very many influences we receive from our minds, our bodies, our histories, our families, our cities, our souls and our lunches! I came to feel that my depression was probably some ever-shifting assortment of all those factors, and probably also included some stuff I couldn't name or claim. So I faced the fight at every level. I bought all those embarrassingly titled self-help books (always being certain to wrap up the books in the latest issue of Hustler, so that strangers wouldn't know what I was really reading). I commenced to getting professional help with a therapist who was as kind as she was insightful. I prayed liked a novice nun. I stopped eating meat (for a short time, anyway) after someone told me that I was "eating the fear of the animal at the moment of its death." Some spacey new age massage therapist told me I should wear orange-colored panties, to rebalance my sexual chakras, and, brother—I actually did it. I drank enough of that damn Saint-John's-wort tea to cheer up whole a Russian gulag, to no noticeable effect. I exercised. I exposed myself to the uplifting arts and carefully protected myself from sad movies, books and songs (if anyone even mentioned the words Leonard and Cohen in the same sentence, I would have to leave the room).
每一個人是由多少的因素所構成的呀！我們在如此多種的層面上運作，而我們經受來自我們的心理、身體、歷史、家庭、城市、靈魂，甚至是吃下的午餐多少影響呀！我覺得自己的抑鬱或許來自這些變幻不定的種種因素，或許還包括我無從指名道姓的東西。因此我面臨每個層面的搏鬥。我買了所有那些書名教人難堪的勵志書籍（總不忘把書用最新一期的《好色客》（Hustler）雜誌包起來，以免讓陌生人得知我真正讀的東西）。我開始接受治療師的專業協助，她和藹可親而且具有洞察力。我像見習修女一樣祈禱。我停止吃肉（反正時間不長），因爲有人告訴我，我“吃下動物臨死前的恐懼”。某個古怪的新時代按摩師告訴我，我該穿橘色內褲，以重新調整性脈輪——唉！我竟真的做了。我喝了許多該死的聖約翰草茶，其分量足以讓一整團蘇聯勞改營開心起來，卻不見任何成效。我運動。我讓自己接觸令人振奮的藝術，小心避開哀傷的電影、書籍與歌曲（倘若任何人在同一個句子裏提及李歐納與科恩［Leonard Cohen］這兩個字，我就得離開房間）。
I tried so hard to fight the endless sobbing. I remember asking myself one night, while I was curled up in the same old corner of my same old couch in tears yet again over the same old repetition of sorrowful thoughts, "Is there anything about this scene you can change, Liz?" And all I could think to do was stand up, while still sobbing, and try to balance on one foot in the middle of my living room. Just to prove that—while I couldn't stop the tears or change my dismal interior dialogue—I was not yet totally out of control: at least I could cry hysterically while balanced on one foot. Hey, it was a start.
我極力抵抗永無休止的哭泣。我記得某天晚上，我蜷縮在那同一個舊沙發相同的一角，因相同的悲哀思緒，又一次淚眼盈眶時，我自問：“小莉，這樣的場景有沒有任何你能改變的地方？”而我所能想到的，就是站起身來，試着在客廳中間單腳站立，雖然仍不時抽泣。這隻爲證明——儘管無法停止哭泣或改變內心的悲傷對話——我尚未完全失去自制力：至少，在我哭得歇斯底里的時候，還可以單腳站立。嘿嘿，這就是一個開始。
I crossed the street to walk in the sunshine. I leaned on my support network, cherishing my family and cultivating my most enlightening friendships. And when those officious women's magazines kept telling me that my low self-esteem wasn’t helping depression matters at all, I got myself a pretty haircut, bought some fancy makeup and a nice dress. (When a friend complimented my new look, all I could say, grimly, was, "Operation Self-Esteem—Day Fucking One.")
我過街走在陽光下。我依靠我的支持網絡，珍惜我的家人，培養最具啓發性的友誼。在那些好管閒事的婦女雜誌不斷告訴我，低自尊無助於憂鬱症時，我去剪了個漂亮的髮型，買了時髦的化妝品和一件美麗的洋裝。（一位朋友稱讚我的新造型時，我只獰笑着說“這是自尊心作戰計劃——他媽的第一天。”）
The last thing I tried, after about two years of fighting this sorrow, was medication. If I may impose my opinions here, I think it should always be the last thing you try. For me, the decision to go the route of "Vitamin P" happened after a night when I'd sat on the floor of my bedroom for many hours, trying very hard to talk myself out of cutting into my arm with a kitchen knife. I won the argument against the knife that night, but barely. I had some other good ideas around that time—about how jumping off a building or blowing my brains out with a gun might stop the suffering. But something about spending a night with a knife in my hand did it.
與哀傷搏鬥將近兩年後，服用藥物是我的最後嘗試。容我在此加入自己的意見，我認爲藥物應當是你的最後嘗試。就我的情況而言，決定走上服藥之路，是在某天晚上過後；那一晚，我在臥室地板坐了幾個小時跟自己說話，極力嘗試阻止自己拿菜刀割腕。當晚我雖然戰勝了菜刀，卻只差之毫釐。當時我還有其他好主意——跳樓或舉槍自盡以求解脫。但手握菜刀過了一夜卻讓我解脫開來。
The next morning I called my friend Susan as the sun came up, begged her to help me. I don't think a woman in the whole history of my family had ever done that before, had ever sat down in the middle of the road like that and said, in the middle of her life, "I cannot walk another step further—somebody has to help me." It wouldn't have served those women to have stopped walking. Nobody would have, or could have, helped them. The only thing that would've happened was that they and their families would have starved. I couldn't stop thinking about those women.
隔天早晨太陽一升起，我打電話給我的朋友蘇珊，求她協助我。在我的整個家族史中，我想沒有哪個女子曾這麼做過，曾這麼坐在人生的半途，說：“我一步也走不動了——哪個人來幫幫我吧。”這些女子停下腳步也沒用。沒有人願意或能夠幫忙她們。唯一可能發生的事情，就是她們和家人餓肚子。我不斷想起這些女子。
