諾貝爾文學經典:《寵兒》第6章Part 5

They stayed that way for awhile because neither Denver nor Sethe knew how not to: how to stop and not love the look or feelof the lips that kept on kissing. Then Sethe, grabbing Beloved's hair and blinking rapidly, separatedherself. She later believed that it was because the girl's breath was exactly like new milk that shesaid to her, stern and frowning, "You too old for that."
She looked at Denver, and seeing panic about to become something more, stood up quickly,breaking the tableau apart.
"Come on up! Up!" Sethe waved the girls to their feet. As they left the Clearing they looked prettymuch the same as they had when they had come: Sethe in the lead, the girls a ways back. All silentas before, but with a difference. Sethe was bothered, not because of the kiss, but because, justbefore it, when she was feeling so fine letting Beloved massage away the pain, the fingers she wasloving and the ones that had soothed her before they strangled her had reminded her of somethingthat now slipped her mind. But one thing for sure, Baby Suggs had not choked her as first shethought. Denver was right, and walking in the dappled tree-light, clearer-headed now — away from the enchantment of the Clearing — Sethe remembered the tou ch of those fingers that sheknew better than her own. They had bathed her in sections, wrapped her womb, combed her hair,oiled her nipples, stitched her clothes, cleaned her feet, greased her back and dropped just aboutanything they were doing to massage Sethe's nape when, especially in the early days, her spiritsfell down under the weight of the things she remembered and those she did not: schoolteacherwriting in ink she herself had made while his nephews played on her; the face of the woman in afelt hat as she rose to stretch in the field. If she lay among all the hands in the world, she wouldknow Baby Suggs' just as she did the good hands of the whitegirl looking for velvet. But foreighteen years she had lived in a house full of touches from the other side. And the thumbs thatpressed her nape were the same. Maybe that was where it had gone to. After Paul D beat it out of124, maybe it collected itself in the Clearing. Reasonable, she thought.
Why she had taken Denver and Beloved with her didn't puzzle her now — at the time it seemedimpulse, with a vague wish for protection. And the girls had saved her, Beloved so agitated shebehaved like a two-year-old.
Like a faint smell of burning that disappears when the fire is cut off or the window opened for abreeze, the suspicion that the girl's touch was also exactly like the baby's ghost dissipated. It wasonly a tiny disturbance anyway — not strong enough to divert her from the ambition welling in hernow: she wanted Paul D. No matter what he told and knew, she wanted him in her life. More thancommemorating Halle, that is what she had come to the Clearing to figure out, and now it wasfigured. Trust and rememory, yes, the way she believed it could be when he cradled her before thecooking stove. The weight and angle of him; the true-to-life beard hair on him; arched back,educated hands. His waiting eyes and awful human power. The mind of him that knew her own.
Her story was bearable because it was his as well — to tell, to refine and tell again. The thingsneither knew about the other — the things neither had word-shapes for — well, it would come intime: where they led him off to sucking iron; the perfect death of her crawling-already? baby.

她們就那樣持續了片刻，因爲丹芙和塞絲都不知如何是好：如何去制止她，而不是去體味那兩片嘴脣的形狀，享受它們不停親吻的感覺。然後，塞絲抓住寵兒的頭髮，迅速地眨着眼睛，讓自己脫了身。她事後相信，肯定是由於那姑娘的氣息與鮮奶一模一樣，她才皺起眉頭，生硬地說："別這樣，你也老大不小的了。"
她看了看丹芙，發現恐慌即將演變成別的禍事，便馬上站起身，打破了這個戲劇性的場面。
"快起來!起來!"塞絲把姑娘們轟起來。她們離開"林間空地"時和來的時候差不多一樣：塞絲領頭，姑娘們遠遠跟在後面。大家都像來時一樣沉默，卻有所不同了。塞絲很困惑，不是因爲親吻，而是因爲在親吻之前，當她舒舒服服地讓寵兒用按摩驅散疼痛時，那惹人喜愛的手指，還有那先是撫慰她、然後又扼住她脖子的手指，曾讓她記起了什麼，可一下子又想不起來了。不過有一點是毋庸置疑的，貝比·薩格斯並沒有掐她，不像她開始以爲的那樣。丹芙說得對。遠離了"林間空地"的妖術，走在斑斑駁駁的樹影中，現在塞絲頭腦清晰了——她記起了那些手指，她熟悉它們勝過熟悉自己的手指。它們曾經一部分一部分地擦洗她的身體，包裹她的陰部，梳理她的頭髮，往她的乳頭上塗油，給她縫衣服，幫她洗淨雙腳，往她後背上抹油，還放下手裏所有的活計來按摩她的後頸，尤其是在開頭的日子裏，那些時候，塞絲的精神在她記得和不記得的事情的重壓下瀕於崩潰："學校老師"的侄子們玩弄她，而"學校老師"在一旁用她親手製作的墨水記錄下來；一個在田裏直起身來的戴氈帽的女人 ，她的臉龐於塞絲腦際翩然浮現。即便在世界上所有的手中間，她也能認出貝比·薩格斯的那雙，就如同認出尋找天鵝絨的白人姑娘的那雙好手一樣。然而，十八年來，她生活的房子一直充滿了來自另一個世界的觸摸，而那按住她後頸的拇指又與這觸摸一模一樣。也許它就是到那裏去了。在保羅·D把它打出124號以後，它也許就是在"林間空地"上重振旗鼓的。合情合理，她想。
當初爲什麼帶上丹芙和寵兒，這事現在不再迷惑她了——看來是一時衝動，以及尋求保護的模糊願望使然。姑娘們救了她，寵兒更是激動得像個兩歲孩子。
就彷彿火焰熄滅或者敞開窗子放進清風時消散的一股微弱的燃燒氣味，有關這個姑娘的撫摸同樣與那小鬼魂酷似的疑慮也煙消雲散了。那本來也不過是一次小小的不安——還沒有強大到讓她拋開現在從心中涌出的勃勃雄心：她要保羅·D。不管他說了什麼、知道了什麼，她的生活中不能沒有他。她來到"林間空地"，不僅僅是爲了紀念黑爾，也爲了找個答案；現在她找到了。對，是信任和重新記憶，是他在爐子前面擁住她的時候她所相信的那種可能性。他的重量，他的棱角；他那真實的鬍子；弓起的後背，訓練有素的手。他那期待的眼睛和威風凜凜的人性力量。他那與她心心相印的靈魂。
她的故事是可以忍受的，因爲它同樣也屬於他——可以訴說，推敲，再訴說。彼此不知道的那些事情——誰都無法訴諸語言的事情——沒關係，總有一天會水落石出的：他們打發他銜着鐵嚼子去了什麼地方；她那"都會爬了？"的寶貝兒的死亡多麼完美。