幫助離婚者療傷 Ready to shake up the break up blues
Divorce lawyers have a reputation for burning through warring couples’ finances. The last thing they need is to spend even more money on splitting up, surely? Yet that is the desire of divorce coaches, a new industry dedicated to helping husbands or wives navigate their way out of marriage.
對於“交戰”的夫婦來說，離婚律師以燒錢著稱。他們最不需要的就是在分手這件事上花更多的錢，是吧？這就是離婚指導師(divorce coach)想做的，這是一個致力於幫助丈夫或妻子走出婚姻的新行業。
Karen McMahon, a divorce coach in New York, says: “Coaching is in its and divorce coaching is embryon .” Practitioners come from a range of backgrounds, including financial planners, therapists and mediators. Crudely, coaching — traditionally associated with executives — focuses on future goals and potential, whereas therapy might explore past emotional issues in order to gain insight.
紐約離婚指導師卡倫麥克馬洪(Karen McMahon)表示：“指導行業正處於發展初期，而離婚指導行業則還處於萌芽期。”從業者擁有各種各樣的背景，包括理財規劃師、治療師和調解員。粗略地說，指導——傳統上主要是爲高管服務——着眼於未來的目標和可能性，而治療則是通過探究過去的情感問題來獲得深入瞭解。
Karen Bigman, also based in New York and known as the “divorcierge”, charges about $95 per hour. She describes the work: “We help educate [clients] about their options. We can act as a sounding board, help put together a plan, coach through difficult periods as well as guide clients through meetings with divorce professionals such as attorneys and financial advisers.”
同在紐約的卡倫比格曼(Karen Bigman)被稱爲“divorcierge”，收費約爲每小時95美元。她這樣描述這份工作：“我們幫助（客戶）瞭解他們面臨的選擇。我們可以提供意見，幫忙制定計劃，指導他們度過艱難的時期、與律師和財務顧問等離婚方面的專業人士會面。”
SAS for Women, a divorce coaching business for wives, is run by Kimberly Mishkin and Liza Caldwell. They charge up to $300 an hour and typically see clients in their New York office once a week, though it can be more frequent if required. The two divorcees met in Haiti in 2011 when they were both experiencing a kind of second adolescence and enjoying their post-coupledom freedom. Many of their clients are paralysed by the immensity of the task ahead, coming as it does at an emotional time. Ms Mishkin describes the kind of decisions that assail people contemplating divorce. “They think: what now, where do I live, what do I tell the kids, how do I tell work I need time off for court.”
專門爲女性提供離婚指導服務的SAS for Women由金伯莉猠什金(Kimberly Mishkin，上圖左)和莉莎考德威爾(Liza Caldwell，上圖右)經營。她們的收費最高爲每小時300美元。她們通常在位於紐約的辦公室裏會見客戶，頻度爲每週一次，不過如果客戶要求，會面的次數可以增加。這兩名離異女性2011年在海地相識，當時她們都在經歷某種“第二青春期”，享受與配偶分手之後的自由。她們的許多客戶都因離婚需要面臨的繁雜事務而感到不知所措——在這種心情不好的時刻。米什金描述了困擾正在考慮離婚的人羣的種種問題：“他們會想：現在該做什麼？我要住在哪裏？我該怎麼告訴我的孩子們？需要請假去法院的時候，我如何告知我工作的地方？”
Phyllida Wilson, co-author of A Woman’s Guide to Divorce, notes that many people try unburdening themselves to their lawyers, which is both ex and unwise: “It’s very difficult for a solicitor to provide emotional ad . The majority of solicitors don’t have the time or the skills.” A divorce coach may help clients plan ahead for legal meetings to maximise efficiency.
《寫給女人的離婚指南》(A Woman’s Guide to Divorce)的合著者菲莉達威爾遜(Phyllida Wilson)指出，許多人試圖把自己的負擔扔給他們的律師，這個選擇不僅成本很高，還很不明智：“律師很難爲你提供情感建議。大多數律師既沒有這個時間，也不具備這種技能。”離婚指導師能幫助客戶提前爲他們與法律人士的會面擬定計劃，以使效率最大化。
In the UK, Sara Davison, who ran a self-development and training business with her ex-husband, stumbled upon the idea of divorce coaching when the couple separated. “I had been coaching for 14 years yet the divorce hit me. I wondered how people without coaching skills got through it.”
在英國，薩拉戴維森(Sara Davison)曾經和前夫經營一家自我發展和培訓公司。當她和前夫離婚的時候，無意中萌生了從事離婚指導的想法。“我從事指導行業14年了，然而離婚依然讓我受到打擊。我不知道沒有指導技能的人是如何渡過這個難關的。”
The long, messy and costly process, involving expensive lawyers, struck Ms Davison hard. A couple of months of therapy had given her more clarity but no strategy so she decided to create a coaching program to get through her own divorce. In the past three years, she has offered it to others for up to 165 an hour. She also runs retreats and has created an app.
離婚的過程漫長、繁雜、代價高昂，其中還牽涉到費用不菲的律師，這給戴維森女士帶來了沉重打擊。幾個月的心理治療讓她的思路清楚了一些，但並沒有爲她提供應對策略，因此她決定設立一個指導項目，讓自己度過離婚的困境。過去3年，她爲其他人提供這個項目，收費每小時165英鎊。她還舉行靜修活動，並創建了一款應用。
Despite the number of marriages that break down, she believes divorce still has a stigma. The issues tackled include how to talk to a child about separation (heaps of reassurance, make them feel loved and make sure they know that it is not their fault; nor should you treat them as a go-between or a therapist); how to hand your child over to your ex; how to move on and forge a single life.
儘管破裂的婚姻很多，戴維森相信，離婚依然是一件讓人有恥辱感的事情。她的項目解決的問題包括，如何和孩子談論離婚（大量撫慰、讓他們感覺自己是被愛着的、確保他們知道父母離婚不是他們的錯；不應該把孩子當做中間人或者心理治療師）？如何把你的孩子託付給前任？如何繼續前進，經營一種單身生活？
One issue many clients seem to suffer from, she says, is remaining stuck in the past. “I create little stepping stones, for example, making them commit to going out, rather than hide under the duvet.”
她表示，一個令許多客戶爲之痛苦的問題是他們深陷於過去而不可自拔。“我建立了小小的墊腳石，比如，促使他們走出門，而不是躲在被子下面。”
There is also a loss of self-esteem, she notes. Those coming out of relationships can find it tricky to untangle their personality from that of their ex-partner. Ms Davison cites one woman who claimed her favourite television programme was Top Gear, despite hating cars and Jeremy Clarkson. It quickly became apparent that it was not the programme itself she liked but sharing time with her husband snuggled up on the sofa.
她指出，還有失去自尊的問題。那些結束一段情感關係的人可能會發現，自己的個性和前任難以分開。戴維森援引了一名女性的例子，她聲稱自己最喜歡的電視節目是《英國瘋狂汽車秀》(Top Gear)，儘管她討厭汽車和傑里米克拉克森（Jeremy Clarkson，譯註：Top Gear節目主持人）。很快事實就變得明瞭，她喜歡的不是節目本身，而是與她丈夫一起依偎在沙發上度過的時光。
Many people express feelings of shame about divorce. Ms Mishkin says that part of the process is helping them overcome the belief they are an aberration.
很多人表達了離婚給他們帶來的羞恥感。米什金表示，指導過程的一部分就是幫助他們克服自己是異類的想法。
Friends and family are not always a source of comfort. “They’re lovely, but often burnt out” by the divorcing person’s anxiety and anger, says Ms Mishkin. In her own case, she knew when her nearest and dearest had had enough. “Their eyes glazed over and you could tell they thought ‘Oh here she goes again.’”
朋友和家人並不總能提供慰藉。“他們很親切”，但離婚人士的焦慮和憤怒“往往會讓他們疲於應對”，米什金表示。在她的親身經歷中，她知道到最後她最親近的人已經忍無可忍。“他們的目光呆滯，你能夠判斷出來，他們在想‘不是吧，她又來了。’”
Coaching is more interactive and practical than psychotherapy, argues Ms McMahon. The characteristic most of her clients share is their ability to “time travel”, she jokes. “Someone divorcing tends to be filled with regret about the past or fear the future.” Her mantra is to “keep your head where your feet are”.
麥克馬洪表示，指導比心理治療更具交互性和實踐性。她開玩笑說，她的大多數客戶的一個共性是他們進行“時間旅行”的能力。“離婚人士往往會充滿對過去的悔恨和對未來的恐懼。”她的格言是“讓你的頭留在你的腳所在的地方”。
Ms Bigman says the most challenging type of client is one clinging to their version of events and not willing to change perspective. The other challenge she faces is persuading men to embrace coaching. “I find that if I meet a man in a social situation [who] is going through a difficult situation in their marriage, he will share with me and I will end up coaching him and he’s quite receptive. On the other hand, they never follow up. I’m not sure why but I suspect it has something to do with being vulnerable and asking for help.”
比格曼表示，最難以應對的一類客戶是堅持自己對於事情的看法，不願意改變自身觀點的人。她面臨的另一個挑戰是說服男性接受指導。“我發現，如果我在社交場合遇到一個婚姻出現問題的男性，他會和我分享，最後我會對他進行指導，他也樂於接受。另一方面，他們從不採取進一步行動。我不確定原因，但我懷疑這和感情脆弱之類的因素有關。”
However, Ms Davison finds that men feel more comfortable being coached than seeing a psychotherapist.
然而，戴維森發現，比起去看心理治療師，男性更能接受指導。
Many people feel concerned that they will not cope without a spouse, says Ms Caldwell. She cites one very wealthy client who is paralysed at the prospect of being alone and worries that she will not be able to look after herself. For the stay-at-home parent (typically women) who does not work, the world of lawyers and courts can be imposing, she says. For this reason she has a list of good driving instructors and handymen to provide clients with practical help.
考德威爾表示，許多人擔心，沒有配偶他們就無法應付事情。她舉了一位非常富有的客戶的例子，這名客戶對孤身一人感到恐懼，她擔心自己無法照顧自己。她說，對於全職照顧家庭的一方（通常是女性）而言，律師和法庭讓他們倍感壓力。出於這個原因，她有一張名單，上面列出了許多優秀的駕駛教練和各種修理工，這能爲客戶提供實際的幫助。
One of the biggest challenges of the job can be witnessing heartbreak. “There are moments when I cry after a session,” notes Ms McMahon. “But it is transitory.”
這份工作最大的挑戰之一或許是見證令人心碎的事情。“有時在指導後我會哭泣，”麥克馬洪表示，“但這只是暫時性的。”
“Seeing people upset is never easy but because I can help them I feel lucky”, says Ms Davison.
“看到人們難過並不是一件輕鬆的事情，但因爲我能夠幫助他們，我感到很幸運，”戴維森表示。
