狄更斯雙語小說:《董貝父子》第40章Part2

Yes, and he would have it hatred, and he made it hatred, though some sparkles of the light in which she had appeared before him on the memorable night of his return home with his Bride, occasionally hung about her still. He knew now that she was beautiful; he did not dispute that she was graceful and winning, and that in the bright dawn of her womanhood she had come upon him, a surprise. But he turned even this against her. In his sullen and unwholesome brooding, the unhappy man, with a dull perception of his alienation from all hearts, and a vague yearning for what he had all his life repelled, made a distorted picture of his rights and wrongs, and justified himself with it against her. The worthier she promised to be of him, the greater claim he was disposed to antedate upon her duty and submission. When had she ever shown him duty and submission? Did she grace his life - or Edith's? Had her attractions been manifested first to him - or Edith? Why, he and she had never been, from her birth, like father andchild! They had always been estranged. She had crossed him every way and everywhere. She was leagued against him now. Her very beauty softened natures that were obdurate to him, and insulted him with an unnatural triumph.
It may have been that in all this there were mutterings of an awakened feeling in his breast, however selfishly aroused by his position of disadvantage, in comparison with what she might have made his life. But he silenced the distant thunder with the rolling of his sea of pride. He would bear nothing but his pride. And in his pride, a heap of inconsistency, and misery, and self-inflicted torment, he hated her.
To the moody, stubborn, sullen demon, that possessed him, his wife opposed her different pride in its full force. They never could have led a happy life together; but nothing could have made it more unhappy, than the wilful and determined warfare of such elements. His pride was set upon maintaining his magnificent supremacy, and forcing recognition of it from her. She would have been racked to death, and turned but her haughty glance of calm inflexible disdain upon him, to the last. Such recognition from Edith! He little knew through what a storm and struggle she had been driven onward to the crowning honour of his hand. He little knew how much she thought she had conceded, when she suffered him to call her wife.
Mr Dombey was resolved to show her that he was supreme. There must be no will but his. Proud he desired that she should be, but she must be proud for, not against him. As he sat alone, hardening, he would often hear her go out and come home, treading the round of London life with no more heed of his liking or disliking, pleasure or displeasure, than if he had been her groom. Her cold supreme indifference - his own unquestioned attribute usurped - stung him more than any other kind of treatment could have done; and he determined to bend her to his magnificent and stately will.
He had been long communing with these thoughts, when one night he sought her in her own apartment, after he had heard her return home late. She was alone, in her brilliant dress, and had but that moment come from her mother's room. Her face was melancholy and pensive, when he came upon her; but it marked him at the door; for, glancing at the mirror before it, he saw immediately, as in a picture-frame, the knitted brow, and darkened beauty that he knew so well.
'Mrs Dombey,' he said, entering, 'I must beg leave to have a few words with you.'
'To-morrow,' she replied.
'There is no time like the present, Madam,' he returned. 'You mistake your position. I am used to choose my own times; not to have them chosen for me. I think you scarcely understand who and what I am, Mrs Dombey.
'I think,' she answered, 'that I understand you very well.'
She looked upon him as she said so, and folding her white arms, sparkling with gold and gems, upon her swelling breast, turned away her eyes.
If she had been less handsome, and less stately in her cold composure, she might not have had the power of impressing him with the sense of disadvantage that penetrated through his utmost pride. But she had the power, and he felt it keenly. He glanced round the room: saw how the splendid means of personal adornment, and the luxuries of dress, were scattered here and there, and disregarded; not in mere caprice and carelessness (or so he thought), but in a steadfast haughty disregard of costly things: and felt it more and more. Chaplets of flowers, plumes of feathers, jewels, laces, silks and satins; look where he would, he saw riches, despised, poured out, and. made of no account. The very diamonds - a marriage gift - that rose and fell impatiently upon her bosom, seemed to pant to break the chain that clasped them round her neck, and roll down on the floor where she might tread upon them.
He felt his disadvantage, and he showed it. Solemn and strange among this wealth of colour and voluptuous glitter, strange and constrained towards its haughty mistress, whose repellent beauty it repeated, and presented all around him, as in so many fragments of a mirror, he was conscious of embarrassment and awkwardness. Nothing that ministered to her disdainful self-possession could fail to gall him. Galled and irritated with himself, he sat down, and went on, in no improved humour:
'Mrs Dombey, it is very necessary that there should be some understanding arrived at between us. Your conduct does not please me, Madam.'
She merely glanced at him again, and again averted her eyes; but she might have spoken for an hour, and expressed less.
'I repeat, Mrs Dombey, does not please me. I have already taken occasion to request that it may be corrected. I now insist upon it.'
'You chose a fitting occasion for your first remonstrance, Sir, and you adopt a fitting manner, and a fitting word for your second. You insist! To me!'

是的，他想恨她，而且他已經在心中種下了這種恨，儘管在他和他新婚的妻子回家來的那個難忘的夜晚，她出現在他面前時所閃耀的一些亮光有時還會在她身邊遊動。他現在明白，她長得美麗；他不懷疑，她優雅可愛；當她初露出成年女性的嫵媚的風姿，出現在他面前時，他曾吃了一驚。可是甚至這也成爲他憎惡她的理由。在他愁眉不展、有礙健康地在進行沉思的時候，他模糊地意識到他疏離了所有的人們，不很明確地想望得到他這一生所曾厭棄的東西；懷着這樣的心緒，這位不幸的人對他的是非曲直作出了一幅歪曲的圖畫，並因此認爲他厭恨她是正確的。她對他看來愈是有價值，他就愈愛對她的孝敬與順從進行挑剔。她什麼時候曾經向他表示過孝敬與順從呢？她給誰的生活增添了光彩呢，是給他的還是給伊迪絲的？她首先向誰顯示了她動人的魅力的呢，是向他還是向伊迪絲？啊，自從她出生以來，他和她從來就不像是父親和女兒的關係！他們經常是疏遠的。她到處妨礙他。現在她又結盟來反對他。正是她的美麗使那些對他執拗不屈的性格溫和下來，並以一種不合常情的勝利凌辱了他。
也許在這一切當中可以聽到他心胸中被喚醒了的一種感情的憤憤不平的，這種感情是由於他目前不利的處境，而她本可以使他的生活變成另外一種樣子，相形之下所激發出來的（不管這種激發是多麼自私）。可是他的高傲的海洋的滾滾浪濤淹沒了遠方的雷鳴。除了他的高傲外，他不能容忍任何東西。在他的高傲中，堆積着自相矛盾、不幸和自己造成的痛苦。懷着這樣的心情，他恨她。
他的妻子以她不同的高傲竭盡全力對抗着擺佈他的那個易怒的、固執的和繃着臉的惡魔。他們永遠不能在一起過幸福的生活。可是沒有什麼能比這種蓄意的、堅決的感情爭鬥能使他們的生活更加不幸的了。他的高傲決心要維護他的堂堂皇皇、至高無上的地位，並強迫她承認它。她則寧肯被折磨至死，直到最後，也只能把她那傲慢的眼光向他投射過去，在眼光中平靜地、不屈地流露出對他的鄙視。這就是他從伊迪絲那裏所能得到的承認！他不知道，當她被迫得到和他結婚的無上光榮時，她在感情上是經歷了怎樣的風暴與鬥爭。他不知道，當她容許他稱她爲妻子的時候，她認爲她是作出了多大的讓步啊。
董貝先生準備向她表明，他是至高無上的。除了他的意志之外，不應當有別的意志。他願意她是高傲的，但是她應當因爲他而高傲，而不應當反對他而高傲。當他獨自坐在那裏，心情變得冷酷起來的時候，他時常聽到她出去，回來，在倫敦社交界周旋，毫不關心他的喜愛或厭惡，高興或不快；如果他是她的馬伕的話，那麼他也不會受到更多的注意。她的冷淡的、極度的漠不關心--他本人這一無可爭辯的性格被她奪走了--比其他任何對待他的態度都更刺痛了他；他決心強迫她向他的崇高的、莊嚴的意志屈服。
這些思想在他腦子裏已經盤旋了好久，有一天夜間，當他聽到她很晚回家以後，他就走到她的房間裏去找她。她獨自一人，穿着華麗的服裝，剛剛從她母親房間中回來。當他見到她的時候，她臉上的表情是憂鬱的、沉思的；可是當他還在門口的時候，她就覺察到他了；因爲當他向她面前的鏡子看了一眼的時候，他立刻看到他十分熟悉的、那皺着的眉毛和那陰沉的、漂亮的臉孔，就像在一個畫框裏似的。
“董貝夫人，”他走進去，說道，”請允許我跟您說幾句話。”
“明天吧，”她回答道。
“沒有比現在更合適的時間了，夫人，”他回答道，”您把您的地位擺錯了。我一向是由我本人來選定時間，而不是讓別人來給我選定時間的。我想，您還不瞭解我是誰，我是什麼樣的人，董貝夫人。”
“我想，”她回答道，”我十分清楚地瞭解您。”
她說這些話的時候，看着他，然後把潔白的、閃耀着金子和寶石的胳膊交叉在隆起的胸前，眼睛轉向別處。
如果她在冷靜、沉着的態度中不是那麼漂亮，不是那麼莊嚴的話，那麼她也許就沒有力量使他感覺到他處於不利的地位了；這個感覺穿透了他極度高傲的盔甲。可是她有這個力量；他敏銳地感覺到這一點。他向房間四處看了一眼，看到華麗的裝飾品和奢華的服裝被零亂地散放在各處，絲毫也不被珍惜--這不只是由於任性和粗心（在他看來是這樣的），而是由於對貴重物品堅決的、傲慢的蔑視。這時候他愈來愈感覺到她有力量使他處於不利的地位。花冠，羽毛飾物，寶石，花邊，綢緞--不論他往哪裏去看，他都看到珍貴的物品被輕蔑地、毫不在乎地亂扔。甚至那結婚的禮品--鑽石，也在她胸前一起一落，彷彿渴望着掙斷把它們緊扣起來的、環繞着她的脖子的鏈子，滾到地板上，她可以踐踏它們。
他感到他處境不利，也沒有掩飾這一點。嚴肅而又生疏地處在這些鮮豔的色彩和妖嬈的閃光中間，生疏而又拘束地面對着高傲的女主人（這些閃光把她那難以親近的美貌不斷重複地呈現在他的周圍，就像是由鏡子的許多碎片映照着似的），他感到侷促不安，處境尷尬。有助於她保持蔑視一切、沉着冷靜的態度的所有東西都使他煩惱。他煩惱地、生氣地獨自坐下來，情緒沒有好轉地往下說道：
“董貝夫人，我們之間很有必要達成某些諒解。您的行爲並不使我感到高興。”
她僅僅再看了他一眼，然後又轉開了眼睛；可是如果她可以說上一個鐘頭的話，那麼她也不會比這表示得更多了。
“我再說一遍，董貝夫人，您的行爲並不使我感到高興。有一次我曾經請求您改正。我現在堅持這一點。”
“您第一次選擇了一個適當的場合來責備我，先生；現在您第二次又採取了一個適當的態度和一個適當的詞來責備我。您堅持！對我！”