經典科幻文學:《 再見 多謝你們的魚》第35章1

Chapter 35
They went to Arthur’s house in the West Country, shoved a couple of towels and stuff in a bag, and then sat down to do what every Galactic hitch hiker ends up spending most of his time doing.
They waited for a flying saucer to come by.
Friend of mine did this for fifteen years, said Arthur one night as they sat forlornly watching the sky.
Who was that?
Called Ford Prefect.
He caught himself doing something he had never really expected to do again.
He wondered where Ford Prefect was.
By an extraordinary coincidence, the following day there were two reports in the paper, one concerning the most astonishing incidents with a flying saucer, and the other about a series of unseemly riots in pubs.
Ford Prefect turned up the day after that looking hung over and complaining that Arthur never answered the phone.
In fact he looked extremely ill, not merely as if he’d been pulled through a hedge backwards, but as if the hedge was being simultaneously pulled backwards through a combine harvester. He staggered into Arthur’s sitting room, waving aside all offers of support, which was an error, because the effort caused him to lose his balance altogether and Arthur had eventually to drag him to the sofa.
Thank you, said Ford, thank you very much. Have you… he said, and fell asleep for three hours.
…the faintest idea he continued suddenly, when he revived, how hard it is to tap into the British phone system from the Pleiades? I can see that you haven’t, so I’ll tell you, he said, over the very large mug of black coffee that you are about to make me.
He followed Arthur wobbily into the kitchen.
Stupid operators keep asking you where you’re calling from and you try and tell them Letchworth and they say you couldn’t be if you’re coming in on that circuit. What are you doing?
Making you some black coffee.
Oh. Ford seemed oddly disappointed. He looked about the place forlornly.
What’s this? he said.
Rice Crispies.
And this?
Paprika.
I see, said Ford, solemnly, and put the two items back down, one on top of the other, but that didn’t seem to balance properly, so he put the other on top of the one and that seemed to work.
A little space-lagged, he said. What was I saying?
About not phoning from Letchworth.
I wasn’t. I explained this to the lady. “Bugger Letchworth”, I said, “if that’s your attitude. I am in fact calling from a sales scoutship of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, currently on the sub-light-speed leg of a journey between the stars known on your world, though not necessarily to you, dear lady.” I said “dear lady”, explained Ford Prefect, because I didn’t want her to be offended by my implication that she was an ignorant cretin…
Tactful, said Arthur Dent.
Exactly, said Ford, tactful.
He frowned.

第35章
他們來到阿瑟位於西部鄉村的家，往一個包裏塞了幾條毛巾和一些亂七八糟的東西，然後坐在那裏做每個銀河系漫遊者花大部分時間做的事情。
他們等一艘飛碟路過。
“我一個朋友在這上面花了十五年。”某天晚上毫無希望地瞪着天空的時候阿瑟說。
“誰？”
“叫福特·長官。”
他發現自己在做一件他絕不希望自己再做的事情。
他在想福特·長官在什麼地方。
出於極度的巧合，第二天報紙上出現了兩個報道，一個是最令人驚奇的飛碟事件，另一個是酒吧裏面一系列不太體面的騷亂。
第二天早上福特·長官出現了，看起來宿醉未消，並且抱怨阿瑟從來不接電話。
實際上他看起來糟糕透頂，像是不僅被倒拖着穿過了一片籬笆，而且那片籬笆同時也被倒拖着塞進了聯合收割機。他腳步蹣跚地走進阿瑟的客廳，揮手拍開所有伸過來幫忙的手，這實在是個錯誤，因爲這個動作讓他徹底失去了平衡，最後阿瑟把他拖到了沙發上。
“謝謝。”福特說：“非常感謝。你有沒有……”他說道，然後就睡着了，睡了三個小時。
“一點點概念，”他突然間醒過來接着說，“從昂宿星座駁入英國電話系統有多難嗎？我知道你沒有，所以我要告訴你，”他說，“不過你得馬上給我弄一大杯咖啡。”
他搖搖晃晃地跟着阿瑟進了廚房。
“蠢貨接線員一個勁問你是從什麼地方打來的，你試着告訴他們說是萊切沃斯（英格蘭東南部的一個城市），但是他們說你是從你打進來的線路看，不可能是萊切沃斯。你在幹什麼？”
“給你弄點黑咖啡。”
“哦。”福特看起來有點古怪地失望。他淒涼地四周打量着。
“這是什麼？”他問。
“麥片。”
“這個呢？”
“辣椒粉。”
“我明白了。”福特莊嚴的說，然後把這兩個東西放回去，一個摞在另一個上面，但是那看起來不能保持平衡，於是他把另一個摞在上面，這下可以了。
“有點空間差，”福特說，“我剛纔說什麼來着？”
“說不是從萊切沃斯打電話。”
“我不是。我跟那個女士解釋，‘去他的萊切沃斯，’我說，‘如果你這麼說的話。我實際上是從天狼星機器人公司的巡迴銷售船上打來的，目前正以亞光速在對你們的世界已知的兩顆星球之間飛行，不過並不一定飛向你，親愛的女士。’我說了‘親愛的女士。’”福特·長官解釋說，“是希望她不會因爲我暗示她是個無知的笨蛋而生氣……”
“很得體。”阿瑟·鄧特說。
“的確如此。”福特說，“很得體。”
他皺起眉毛。