諾貝爾文學經典:《寵兒》第11章Part 4

Once before (and only once) Paul D had been grateful to a ling out of the woods, cross-eyed with hunger and loneliness, he knocked at the first backdoor he came to in the colored section of Wilmington. He told the woman who opened it that he'dappreciate doing her woodpile, if she could spare him something to eat. She looked him up anddown.
"A little later on," she said and opened the door wider. She fed him pork sausage, the worst thingin the world for a starving man, but neither he nor his stomach objected. Later, when he saw palecotton sheets and two pillows in her bedroom, he had to wipe his eyes quickly, quickly so shewould not see the thankful tears of a man's first time. Soil, grass, mud, shucking, leaves, hay, cobs,sea shells — -all that he'd slept on. White cotton sheets had never crossed his mind. He fell in witha groan and the woman helped him pretend he was making love to her and not her bed linen. Hevowed that night, full of pork, deep in luxury, that he would never leave her. She would have tokill him to get him out of that bed. Eighteen months later, when he had been purchased byNorthpoint Bank and Railroad Company, he was still thankful for that introduction to sheets.
Now he was grateful a second time. He felt as though he had been plucked from the face of a cliffand put down on sure ground. In Sethe's bed he knew he could put up with two crazy girls — -aslong as Sethe made her wishes known. Stretched out to his full length, watching snowflakes streampast the window over his feet, it was easy to dismiss the doubts that took him to the alley behindthe restaurant: his expectations for himself were high, too high. What he might call cowardiceother people called common sense.
Tucked into the well of his arm, Sethe recalled Paul D's face in the street when he asked her tohave a baby for him. Although she laughed and took his hand, it had frightened her. She thoughtquickly of how good the sex would be if that is what he wanted, but mostly she was frightened bythe thought of having a baby once ing to be good enough, alert enough, strong enough, that caring — again. Having to stay alivejust that much longer. O Lord, she thought, deliver me. Unless carefree, motherlove was a did he want her pregnant for? To hold on to her? have a sign that he passed this way? Heprobably had children everywhere teen years of roaming, he would have to have dropped a . He resented the children she had, that's what. Child, she corrected herself. Child plus Belovedwhom she thought of as her own, and that is what he resented. Sharing her with the girls. Hearingthe three of them laughing at something he wasn't in on. The code they used among themselvesthat he could not break. Maybe even the time spent on their needs and not his. They were a familysomehow and he was not the head of it.
Can you stitch this up for me, baby?
Um hm. Soon's I finish this petticoat. She just got the one she came here in and everybody needs achange.
Any pie left?

曾經有一次（唯一的一次），保羅·D感激過一個女人。那次，他爬出樹林，被飢餓和孤獨折磨得直對眼兒，就去敲他在威爾明頓的黑人區見到的第一扇後門。他告訴開門的女人，他願意給她劈柴，只要她肯施捨給他一點東西吃。她上上下下地打量他。
"等一小會兒。"她說着，把門開得大一點。她餵了他豬肉香腸，對一個快餓死的人來說那是最糟糕的東西，可是他和他的肚子都沒意見。然後，他見到了她臥室裏的白棉布牀單和兩隻枕頭，忍不住飛快地抹了抹眼睛，以免讓她看到一個男人平生頭一回感激的眼淚。土地、草地、泥地、穀殼、樹葉、乾草、蜘蛛網、貝殼——所有這些東西他都睡過。從來沒想象過白棉布牀單。他呻吟着倒上去，多虧那個女人幫忙，他纔有藉口是跟她而不是跟她的牀單做愛。那天晚上，吃飽了肉，耽於奢侈，他發誓永不離開她。要想把他趕下那張牀，她非得殺了他不行。十八個月後，當他被"北極銀行和鐵路公司"買去時，他依然感激那次與牀單的結識。
如今他第二次心懷感激。他覺得自己彷彿被人從一面懸崖峭壁上摘下來，放到堅實的地面上。在塞絲的牀上，他知道自己對付得了那兩個傻丫頭——只要塞絲將她的意願公開。他儘量抻開身體，望着雪花在他腳上方流過窗戶，現在，那把他帶到餐館後面巷子裏的疑慮，很容易解除了：他對自己的期望很高，太高了。他所說的怯懦，別人叫做人之常情。
塞絲鑽進保羅·D的臂彎，回想起他在街上求她爲他懷個孩子時的那副面孔。雖然她當時大笑着拉起他的手，可還是着實嚇了一跳。她很快想到，如果那真是他想要的，性交會有多麼愉快，然而她主要是被再次要個孩子的想法嚇壞了。需要足夠過硬、足夠麻利、足夠強壯，還得那樣操心——重來一遍。必須再多活那麼久。噢主啊，她暗道，救救我吧。除非無憂無慮，否則母愛可是要命的。他要她懷孕幹什麼？爲了抓住她？爲了給這段路留個記號？反正他沒準到處都有孩子呢。流浪了十八年，他肯定跟人下了幾個。不對。他反感她已經有的孩子們，是這麼回事。是一個孩子，她糾正了自己。一個孩子，再加上她視如己出的寵兒，那就是他反感的。他反感與姑娘們共享她。聽她們三個笑着他不理解的東西。破不開她們之間使用的暗號。甚至恐怕還有花在她們而不是他身上的時間。他們怎麼說也算個家庭，可他不是一家之主。
你能幫我把這個縫上麼，寶貝？
當然。等我弄完這件襯裙再說。她還穿着來的時候穿的那件，誰都需要變個花樣。
還剩下一點餡餅麼？